Faith Hope Love Laugh Gratitude ♥

The beautiful story of hers ;

Wednesday, January 1, 2020 ( 12:46:00 PM )

It's the first day of a new year. 2019 ended with love and gratitude, and 2020 begins with hope and happiness. 2019 was great, I have accomplished a couple of things which i haven't been able to in past years. I picked up a good routine of exercising, reading, meeting new people and the most drastic change of turning vegan. I'm still very new in this change but i feel exceptionally good after turning vegan, I eat with no guilt and appreciate my food more. I've more awareness instead of just putting food into my mouth and not knowing what i'm eating. I'm glad i did this and I'm confident that i'll never look back again.
In 2020, I want to keep all these healthy habits in place and learn new things consistently. Saving up would be my top most priority and i would like to start giving back to the society. I have been leading a good and comfortable life and I'm hoping to share my resources with the less fortunate.
The one lesson in 2019 : I deserve to be love and I'm good. Thank you huixian 2019, you've made exceptional choices and changes!
Papa, I know you would be proud of me. I love and miss you so much.

Friday, July 19, 2019 ( 4:03:00 PM )

It has been a little over 7 years since dad left, and it felt like a long long time ago from the last time I sat beside him or talked to him. The pain of missing him haven’t turn down a bit, in fact it intensifies as the years gone by. Recently someone brought me to a family Hakka restaurant for the abacus seed which I haven’t eat it since dad left. It was a very nice place with a family feel to it, the owner is in his 70s, about the same age my dad would be, and he sounded a lot like my gu zhang. He is really friendly and nice too, I just watched him the whole time I was there, it felt like I was in a familiar place, like I was almost home. Even the abacus seeds didn’t taste like dad’s at all, I felt happy. A while ago, the same person who brought me to the restaurant was driving me back home. We were listening to the radio, singing along and just chatting. I felt the same happiness, and I realized I do not need much for this pure bliss. All it takes is the right person and me to be in the moment.

I miss dad a lot. Sometimes I wish I will tell someone that I do but most of the time I kept it to myself because I don’t want to appear like a whiner or simply I worry I’d bother others. So I’d drink it away when my emotions get too intense, a temporary elusion. But it is never helpful since it will bite back another day. This is my way of living with it, I know the guilt is still there even on some days it felt like it was gone until you found there sitting in the wide open on your worst day. I’m trying not to identify myself with it because I know it is not who I am, but there are days when I slipped away. In the past I would beat myself up for being weak and force myself into this pretentious jovial self or retreat into my own comfortable space where I shun everyone else. And now I just acknowledge that I’ve slipped again and not judge myself for it. I feel more at peace even when I’m sad. I accept that the pain is inevitable, and we can coexist, I shouldn’t be running away from it.

I hope someday I will meet someone who I tell all these to, who watch me drink to my sorrows, who let me cry my heart out and tell me he will be there for me. I may be sharing but I seem to be having issue trusting someone with my emotions.

Papa, I miss you. These 3 words aren’t even enough already. I’d give everything just to sit with you watching tv again. I tear up at every father and child songs, movies and books, I think of you everyday. I struggle with the fact that I’ll never see you again everyday. If there is ever a next life, a second chance. I still want to be your daughter.

Sunday, December 9, 2018 ( 12:13:00 AM )

好多年没有叫出口的爸爸，只在心里无数次呐喊。
我好想好想你，爸爸。
我想一辈子做被你保护的女儿，不想承担自己的坚强。

Monday, May 14, 2018 ( 11:21:00 AM )

This site has been forgotten for a long time, and I honestly didn't expect someone will still be visiting, and most of all, I didn't expect you.
Hey, Thank you for texting me that day. It's really good to know that you still care. Even though we have both moved on, we still hold a place in each other's heart. Forgive me for not reaching out to you all these years, I didn't want to interrupt your life but please know that you will always be an important person to me. I wish you all happiness in the world and congrats on entering a new phase of life. I'm really happy for you.

‘有一个人会一直在遥远的地方关心你’
谢谢你还在。

Friday, September 9, 2016 ( 4:53:00 PM )

A little over 4 years, this is how long dad has left us. We grew to get used to the days without him, this is what time does, but what it never will is taking away the feeling of pain. I came to realize that it is always going to be painful, it has become part of me. When I accepted this, it becomes easier to deal with it. I'm really grateful for all my good friends, they are the ones who give me support and love. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. They make me realize there are people out there who love me like my dad does, that I deserve love and happiness.

Dad hasn't really go away, he is with me as long as I breathe.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016 ( 3:52:00 PM )

Judging. Most of us are guilty of it. We judge people of their doings, their differences from us and their choice of words. At times, we forgotten to give another the benefit of doubt. A man who gain power at the expense of others may seem to be selfish and cruel, but he may be a selfless dad to his kids. So is it right for us to judge him as a bad guy? What is bad anyway? Someone who kill? Someone who rob? or someone who lied is enough to qualify? I believe most of us have a selfish side, at some point of time we would have made choices that sacrifice others for the benefit of ourselves. Is this human nature? And why do we do that? I have a friend who believe that every human being is selfish and bad in nature. When I asked why, he told me that it's because in this way he wouldn't have expectation in the people he meets and in turn it is unlikely to experience disappointment when people didn't turn out to be kind. I couldn't say he is wrong but I do not like that. He has placed his judgement before meeting a person. To be honest, I'm a judger too. But I'm starting to think how do I like it when I judge people and what's good in there for me when I do so? And most importantly what is the whole point of judging? I think I need to work on being more open minded, I may gain insights which I've been missing out.

Monday, August 8, 2016 ( 5:28:00 PM )

It's a monday, it's national day eve, it's a non-working day. Not doing much, just staying home indulging my day. I'm grateful for another day of normal, which is too often being taken for granted. Sometimes I wonder how do we stay true to ourselves in a world which changes so rapidly? How do we not conform to pressure of acceptance and stop doubting ourselves if we are good enough? I've never give a thought to this till recently, I hate being seen as vulnerable and I've always thought it is a sign of weakness. Over the years, I keep the fears to myself, I keep the tears to myself and I always put up the strong front. This is how I keep off the guilt and those destructive thoughts. This is how I convince myself I'm worth something. But this what keeps me awake at night, despite so they never really go away. The strong front made me lost the ability to connect with people, they never really understand because I've never let them in. Even at times when I had the urge to tell, I don't know how to put those thoughts and emotions into words anymore. How do one stay true and be themselves when they are afraid to show people who they are? How do I let it go and find the way back to myself again?

Papa, I miss you.