ok..i'm gg 2 let all go at 1 tym....
s ur guess..is abt the chalet thingy..
warning here...i'm gg 2 b super harsh in this post..
ppl who r involved i dun think ur shld read any further..
this post is nt meant 4 ur, if ur 1 2 continue reading..
n den ur may feel dann pissed off at wat i said or sad or anything..
n den it may affect our friendship or wat..
n den my words may hurt u..
n den after so many -ve consequences..
n ur stil wan to read on//
den i can only say ur curiosity kills u..
i alr gave my warning..STOP READING HERE..
4 e others readers pardon me..i gt no 1 2 tok to..
i nd to write something down here b4 i explode...
bt i make my stand clear..i'm NOT angry with anybody..(is in bold if ur din c)







i slept at 4 plus ytd n i wake up at 8 plus tis morning..
miracle huh..i wake up without my alarm n ppl calling me..
all bcos i cldnt get back to slp anymore..nt tt i dun wan to slp..
well..i've decided 2 cancelled e chalet...u noe??i decided it!!!!when i'm the 1 who suggested it n tot tt every1 wld b reali happy 4 my i tot wonderful suggestion..bt..i was so dann wrong..it was jus WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!! it is wrong bcos A(i'm nt gg to use name here cos i jus dun feel lyk using) did think tt we r spending too much on this chalet..n this chalet was 4 her birthday..i shall explain wat is too much here...s ur noe chalet+bbq +blah blah blah is gg to cost a bomb..it was lyk i nd at least 400plus 4 it..n me..ok is me..i actually wanted to fork out 200 bucks 4 this chalet jus to make her happy..jus 2 make every1 happy 4 e gathering n of cos make myself happy..so i feel it is dann worth it to spend this sum of money..whether is 4 her,4 a happy gathering or 4 myself to enjoyed..bt she is kind..n i'm being sacartics here..i reali mean she is kind..cos she understand my situation n dun wan me to spend tt sum of money..she understand tt every1 is tight with their budget n she wan2 help us to save the money..she feel very gulity abt this..n y wil she out of the sudden felt so guilty when everything was perfectly aright at 1st..well..is bcos B n C wasnt very happy to pay a huge sum of money to the chalet at 1st..listen here..is at 1st..they complaind abt it,jus lyk when we meet unhappy things we grumble abit 2 our friends n family..n this is wat they did..they r nt wrong to grumble..i understand tt tt sum of money was a quite a big sum to them..i noe hw they feel abt money..i noe hw big money is to them..they abviously haf the right to grumble..is jus only grumbling,cant they do tt..bt i totally feel tt they have grumble to the wrong person..who is A..they grumble to her..using words tt A doest like to hear..here..i put myself into A shoe..if i was e 1 hearing it..i wld feel dann sad n secretly cry in e night..cos i feel the words r hurting although the ppl saying it dun mean it..to clarify someting..until here..i'm nt angry with any1..is nt A faults n is nt B n C faults..i think ur felt so too..so..is my fault...ya..rite..wat is the fucking wrong with me to actually think tt ME alone can handle everything..i actually tot i cld organise this chalet 4 every1..i jus tot tt there is nthing wrong 4 me to fork out tt sum of money n thinking tt the others wouldnt mind it too..i was so silly to actually think tt i'm making every1 happy n their job easy..all they to do is to pay n get tjeir butt here to e chalet..haha..seow huixian..who do u think u r? u think u noe every1 so well..u think everything can goes s u planned? u think they wanted the chalet so much so much lyk u..NO!! when i said tt the chalet wil b cancelled,they wld jus say orh ok,or they wil say huh?y?,or even better..mayb we r jus nt fated to go 4 the chalet..they can jus simply say ok to me when the chalet is cancelled..they jus have to accept n den forget tt there is actually a chalet at 1st..who wil do the remaining job to inform the others tt the chalet is cancelled? the ans is so easy..is gg to b me! why? cos i'm the 1 who bring out all the troubles,of cos i've 2 settle it den..have the ppl ever thought hw it felt to destroy something tt u dun wish to n u had put in all ur effort n time to it..is jus lyk u love tt guy so much n tt guy love u alot too..bt bcos of some reason u have to say tt breakup..n ya..is e same here..when some1 actually called me last nite telling me'hey,i can go to the chalet le' i'm suppose to be so happy telling him okok n cya..bt instead i haf to say the chalet is cancel..den as usual he wil ask y?? wth..i deserve to settle all these y huh? somebody tell me,jus tell them u cant book the chalet cos there is no rm available anymore..wow..is a so easy n convincing ans ya..yup..it is if i hasnt send a msg to every1 saying'hi ppl..the chalet is cfm..i've booked it at east coast park n the date cfm is 12th june..n blah blah blah...'ya..if i haven said tt,,it will b a terrfic ans..i'm nt blaming tt some1 4 saying this..cos she doesnt noe abt this..so..hw am i gg to ans to all those whys..i guess i jus haf to simply tell them sry..cos i find it too troublesome to organise a chalet..so i decided to back off le..so sry...is this better??
appreciate??? tell me tt u reali did..u appreciate by wanting to cancel this whole thing off forgetting the intention n effort i put in it ya..ur reason is so strong..u dun 1 to feel gulity n u wan every1 save money..u said i stil can carry on with the chalet s long s is nt using ur bday s the chalet purpose..so i suggest to combine others ppl into it..tot it may makes u feel better...i tot after i talk so much to u..n u finally say yes,i wan to carry on with the chalet..i tot u finally thought it thr n tts it..it will b a happy chalet agn..bt no..u stil cant untie tt knots in ur heart..u stil feel bad..still mind abt wat e others 2 said..n i perfectly understand it..i knew u wanted to call it off..so tt eveyrthing wil b fine..we can do some others things..so i called it off 4 u..is hard 4 u to say..so i say it 4 u..n thanks 4 telling me sry n ur had learn something from here..ur noe nw when u can say something n when u cant..cos tis is reality..the world doesnt live every1 who had exactly the smae thinking s ur..if ur dun watch ur mouth u may jus hurt some1 or offend some1..which bring trouble to urself..ya..ur haf the freedom to speak ur mind..n obviously it is nt a wrong to do so..bt when ur wrds hurts den there is some wrong somewhr..i will say is nt too late 2 learnt it nw..gd 4 ur..if ur reali felt tt u r sry..appologise to the person ur shld appologise to...explain wat ur can explain to her..n if ur reali feel tt sry towards me den do watever ur can do to save this situation..if ur haven tot tt the fire start with ur..n continue with her..same goes to her..if u reali appreciate wat i've done n felt sry..listen 2 their explanation n forgive them lyk wat u always do..n nt kp thinking tt u caused us to spend this n tt..is all u tot..have u tot abt wat we tot?? by showing tt u r appreciating can b so easy..jus by accepting n say a thank u..n i wil feel tt my effort reali pay off..if u r thinking saving all these money n effort makes me happier n makes u happier..by all means..i've gt nthing to say...seriously..nvr had i felt disappointed b4....it reali feel dann bad when ur effort is nt recongise n reali appreciated..when all ur hardwrk goes down the drain..n all ur hopes r destroy..i was so happy when there is sum1 who tell me tt they can make it 4 e chalet..no matter who..n is a dann shitty feeling to nw tell every1 i'm gg to cancel it..u noe i reali tried making this a happy thing 4 every1..i reali tried..n in e end no 1 is happy...i felt so fuckingly stupid n angry at myself..i jus think too highly of myself ya..failure..i'm a total failure..failed to b an organiser,failed 2 b a friend n totally failed 2 b a sister..here..i wan 2 appologise 2 my sister..my temper isnt gd..i'm sry tt i actually lost my temper ytd on train..i dun mean 2 scold u..n i'm reali nt..i'm nt angry at u either..i jus feel so shi bai 2 b ur sis..guess i dun fit 2 b 1 ya..i'm nt angry with any1 in this whole thing..n i reali mean NT angry..i'm only angry with myself..n nw my dad is scolding me uselss..i even failed 2 b a daughter..ha...if a b c is reading this post til here..congrat..ur mus b dann pissed off with me..saying wtf..i'm bullshitting..angry n nt toking 2 me from nw on..or feeling sad n crying..den thinking there is this knot 4 ever in our heart..if u r thinking this way..u r nt wrong..i'm having this knot in my heart..n i'm nt gg 2 organise anything anymore..n i mean anything..small or big..say i'm selfish or watever..this is me..i dun wish to b disappoint agn n i cant even blame any1 4 this..cos i dun have the reason to..only myself to blame..it jus makes me feel even worst..dun say sry to me at the end of this post..sry may minus off ur guilt..bt it adds on to my disappointment n tears..sry to have say all this..dun wry..this is nt gg affect our friendship til lyk i'm nt gg to tok 2 ur agn or wat..i will b fine after tml..bt b4 tml comes..mayb there is stil something tt ur can do..
sometimes things arnt tt complicated..we have the ability 2 sort it out..if all our mind hasnt the same aim..if all of us wanted the chalet n haf the most fun out of it..if all of us wanted it so much..there is nthng tt we cant slove..we cld jus put aside everything..all the bad n sad..forgive whoever or watever..tot it thr n get on with it..thinking tt cancelling is the best is jus avoiding..cos the word cancel means tt everything stop here..all the problem ends here..nthing for us to have disagreement abt anymore..no 1 wil bring it up agn n everything wil b lyk usual..bt we all know everything is nt over deep down in our heart..every1 is feeling something inside..problems lyk tt is nt settle jus avoided..u r stil thinking this way n i'm stil thinking another way..nobody had tot thr anything..cos we din wan to trouble ourselves with tt anymore..since everything had beem finallise..n den i guess there will b no more chalet 4 us ever agn..cos nobody wil ever organise agn..at least i wldnt..cos i simply dun dare to..i cant convince myself tt ur r apprecaiting wat i'm doing..there r times when we can move 1 step backwards n think it another way round..i guess if i'm an outsider looking at this situation..i will find tt we r actually so stupid in it..
k..i think i shall stop here..is long enough alr..i felt better typing it out..


i'm thinking too highly of myself..
seow huixian..who do u think u r? y is it tt u r asking urself this qns everytime n u stil dun learn frm e mistake...
u r nt somebody big n great..
wat makes u thinks watever u say or do is right..
sry..u r nthing bt a piece of shit..
chalet is cancelled..
ya..tts it..


haiz..i regretted telling papa abt my compo topic..
nw he is here scolding...he even wanted 2 call moe to complain tt my teacher give me such a topic..
haiz..i'm seriously very tire nw....dun haf e energy to response 2 watever he said..
n there stil lots of things nt done..
my tut nt done..my compo nt done..n tml i haf to wake up early 2 go ecp to pay the chalet money..
lucky my sch is nt far frm ecp..
tire tire tire...


this morning i went to gym..
morning lei..gym lei..
haha..i actually din continue slping n went gym..
so pei fu myself..lol
i'm very happy n satisfy with my life nw..
watever i shld throw away..i alr did..
i wish u all e happiness in e world..n nt forgetting myself..
i wil b happy too..


is nt tt hard watching u walk away anymore..


属于人类的一相情愿。。
只是一个美丽的误会。。


i'm being silly here..
haiz..watever la..


when i let myself broke dwn n cry..
is bcos i reali cldnt take it anymore..
i'm tearing......


i jus tot i'm nvr gg to cried tt easily agn..
bt tears jus drop lyk nobody business agn n agn..
s long s u r happy..n i noe u r..


i think i dun worth the trust anymore...
i dun haf e strength 2 continue anymore..


how does it feel when a bomb is plant into ur head n den it expolde??
pain??nope..
bleed??nope..
scream??nope..
faint??nope..
i felt slience..at tt exploding moment,nthing is gg thr my mind..
until i burst out laughing in my mind..den i hear my heart crying..
den 2 my surprise..tears roll down my cheek without me giving them any permission..
when i was stoning with tt sentence repeating in my mind..
til ppl start looking 2 me..den i knew i was crying...fuck..fuck fuck...
nw i realise...
sad can b so sad..
pain cld b so pain..
happiness can b so cruel...






when i c the sparks in ur eyes...
i c myself torn into pieces...

this time it wun b long...


wahahahaha....
is e only expression in my mind...


i wan2 put a full stop to everything nw..
something is gg to stop here..
i wish 4 nthing..


it drop from somewhere 2 no where...
i find myself so funny...


stop treating me lyk an alien..
i dun lyk this kind of feeling..
bt cldnt blame ur 4 doing so...
cos i'm making myself looking lyk 1...
haiz...


i jus wanna b friends..
tts all..


i'm a tortoise who keep my head into the shell when i met problem..
i jus wan 2 trap myself in e world of my own..
i jus 1 2 b alone..
i nd time alone...


confuse..i'm very confuse...
so many things r running thr my mind..
is a total mess..
argh....


is dann funny..
i wil stop myself finding excuses 4 u agn..
i dun 1 2 lie 2 myself anymore..
hate myself tt i'm stil so affected by u..
yet there is nthing i can do..


today was wrking..
sales was bad bad bad...
so sian la..
haiz..i jus knew it..
bt stil i'm disappointed..
weekends r over..sad...


my mood is all e way down down down....
wat shld i do...
argh....


suffocating...
i nd 2 cry..
cant slp..
i noe tml i wil b ok..
nw 2 e morning..
7 hrs more..


actually i dun haf e mood 2 blog nw..haiz..
bt alot of things i wanted 2 blog..so...
2day i wake up quite happily in e morning..
den on e way i met seng kok n ian..
n very qiao de thing is si ling n her bf si ping is oso boarding the same train with us..4 boonlayians 1 shot..haha..so qiao la..
k..den went 4 lesson..everything was ok..until i receive a call..
thx hn 4 listening 2 me..i feel better after toking 2 u..
after lunch..went dwn 2 hv n wrk..n den koh li called me..say she cuming down 2 find me..haha..so nan de can..cos she is a super busy gal..but she acc me all the way from 5plus till closing lei..i so touch de..thanks gal..with u the tym fly very fast..take care k..n we will meet up soon agn..jia you!!!=)
reached hm..on com..den do random stuffs..
thought of u alot 2day..it seems tt everytime i'm feeling dwn i think of u..
feelings tt i cant control..i think i'm js hopeless..



deleting...


2day is a long day..
sch ends at 6..
after sch meet up with fen to eat dinner at pizza hut..
dun noe is bcos 2 long didnt eat le or i'm too hungry..
2day de pizza is super duper yummy..eat until i super full..lol..
i changed my blog song..love this song alot..
thxs ar fen 4 introing this song 2 me..love u lots..
n..wan to tell u this..no matter wat happen..i'm here 4 u..next tym u nd sum1 2 tok to..can call me anytime de..no nd to think i busy anot de..haha..jia you gal..hugs=)
kk..shall end here..tml another long day..jia you xian!


having mixed feelings here..
haiz..sian..
i dun understand myself..dun understand..
i ask qns tt i cant ans myself..
nt gg 2 think anymore..


went amk hub 2day..
went 4 an interview..
den meet with ah pek n cck..
lol..had fun..n we watched the forbidden kingdom..
den went mcafe chit chat..
had fun 2day..
sian..weekend r over..
tml gg baq sch le..kk..
tts all..nite=)


went out with ru,wen,ah jay n zhan guang ytd..
we went to eat cafe cartel..yummy..=)
den after tt we went balcony to drink..
alot of chit chatting..
it was a fun night..



i dun understand myself anymore..
i do things tt i didnt mean 2 do..

i still miss you..


realise something..
i'm still tt huixian..